Archive for November, 2008

30
Nov

“Spelling bee”

Today was a very full day for me, I needed to do things all over town. It all started very early in the morning taking the A train from Brooklyn to downtown Manhattan. After putting up with some kafka-esque bureocracy at the bank, I boarded the R train to Midtown, then the S shuttle train from Times Square to Grand Central, where we got delayed for 10 minutes.  After a long, unsuccessful meeting, I walked up to the E train to get back into Brooklyn.   It had been one of the worst days in recent weeks,  and then it hit me:  I had done the A-R-S-E route.  No wonder I had encountered so many assholes that day!

This made me think: Could I really influence the outcome of my day depending on which trains I took? I decided to conduct an experiment and pretty soon I had solid scientific evidence that my theory was founded. For example, I found out that you can really ran into the least attractive people in the whole subway system by riding the A line then the R and finally the F. Or the A-R-F route.  Don’t even think of adding the B line to this group, especially on a late Friday or Saturday night.  You will create the B-A-R-F. I met a really drunk chick throwing up there.

The possibilities are endless. Try riding the B line uptown, transfer to the A and then go to Brooklyn and back to Manhattan on the L line. You’d do the B-A-L-L route. Do in on a hot summer afternoon, wearing shorts and no underwear.  Or test your luck by taking the F and trasfering in Brooklyn to the E,  switching to the A, then going all the way to Queens on the R.  Do it very late at night… You’ll know the meaning of FEAR.

∞∞∞

25
Nov

“metrosexuals”

People say that New York is over.  The city has lost whatever edge it once had.  The last hip downtown scene, the one from the early 80s, has finally been replaced by standardized Japanese chain stores serving  frozen yogurt.  A name like “Pinkberry” does not belong in The Bowery.  Street art by Basquiat and Harring has been long replaced by the work of an overpaid designer who came up with the “Bank of America” logo and the extensive group of bankers who probably changed that poor fellow’s original design hundreds of times to make it sanitary, corporate, standard.

But hope can still be found, where else but… down under.

Only a few newyorkers know that there’s certain midtown subway station on the N-R line that has the perfect layout to accommodate late-night lovers, voyeurs and exhibitionists.  This particular station has a central platform that extends longer than it should, with a room that serves as a trash deposit blocking most of the view of whatever happens at the end of it.

Late one night, after working all day, I was waiting for the train to take me back home when I sensed some strange activity.  A tall woman wearing a long winter coat walked all the way to the end and disappeared on the other side of the small room.  Immediately, I noticed a man come out and stay vigilant on the side facing the rest of the platform. He looked at me, nodding his head in an inviting way. Hesitant, yet very curious, I took a couple of steps towards him but then casually backed, trying to disguise my curiosity.  A tall man in a suit arrived and received the same kind of nod from the vigilant guy.  It looked like some sort of code, and the man in the suit obviously knew what it was all about.

So, living in a city like New York, where we are used to buildings with doormen, clubs with bouncers and even schools with security guards making sure every toddler going in has an ID and is part of the group, I was suddenly granted access to something, I had no idea what, but being a Newyorker, I had to take advantage of this one chance. I had  been given access, to what, I was about to find out…

So as I  approached the guy, he moved to one side, allowing me to pass to the far end of the platform.  There, among the filthy traces of the trash that was taken in and out of the small room everyday, the constant dripping of dirty water from the surface, and among the occasional rat zooming past us, I saw the tall woman leaning against the slimy tile wall, having sex with a total stranger, his pants all the way down to his knees. She was encased by a very expensive Burberry’s raincoat, all naked under that.  He had a very shiny white ass and silk boxers. They were having sex in a rushed, passionate, forbidden way. Two other men were watching: The man in a suit I had seen before and somebody who seemed to be a deli delivery man. I was welcomed into the scene by a quick look of the woman who smiled and went on with her business.

As we sensed the train approach, we all slowly moved back to the center of the platform. Coats were closed, zippers up and discrete smiles were exchanged.

The man who was having sex got on the train with me. Besides his wrinkled tie and a sweaty forehead, he looked completely normal. He sat and began reading the New York Times.  As the train left the station, I saw the woman walking up the stairs back into the city, in need of some fresh air and a good shower, I assume.

∞∞∞

04
Nov

“going under… the knife”

I am going back home later than usual tonight. It’s been a long day and I’m really hungry. But thanks to my subway ride, now I’ve found the ultimate appetite suppressant: foot surgery advertising. I am sitting across an ad with a rainbow-colored headline that screams: “Minimally invasive bunion and hammertoe surgery!” … with pictures.

Suddenly, I don’t feel hungry anymore. I don’t know what’s more disturbing: the “examples” of the grotesque toes (I wonder if the people who posed for this consider themselves as having a modelling career) or the picture of the smiling surgeon holding up a scalpel while he looks at you with seductive eyes.
I decide to close my eyes and get that image out of my head. As I lean back on the seat, I start to listen in a conversation coming from the next seat:

“First, her hand was cut off but she still wouldn’t cooperate” – I hear this in a deep voice with a heavy italian accent.
“I hate when dat happen man, what’d you do den” – somebody else replied, now with a Newyorican spanish accent.
“We had to keep going. We chopped off part of her arm then.”
“I haven’t done dat yet. I hope they don’t ask me.”
“You get used to it. Last time I saw her, we cut up to her elbow, but nothing. She’s a tough one”
“Damn man, let’s see what we find today.”

“You do whatever they tell you to do, if not, they fuck you up, man.”

At this point, I am picturing two characters from The Sopranos. I realize this might be a private conversation I am not supposed to be listening in into. So, very slowly, I get my iPod from my backpack and discretely lower my head to put on my headphones. I hope I can pretend I’ve been listening to music all along and these two hitmen don’t realize I heard everything about their last victim.

When the train finally comes to a stop, I open my eyes again and, moving my head to an exaggerated imaginary beat, look back to see the mafiosi: two nerdy-looking medicine students wearing scrubs, getting off at the stop near the NYU hospital.

It turned out to be more ER than Sopranos… dissapointing.
I start feeling hungry now that I don’t fear for my life anymore, so I look up to the hammertoe surgery ad again. Ah! Perfect. Not hungry again.