I am taking the subway earlier than usual today. Like myself, the people around me seem to have sacrificed the last minutes of their morning routine in the privacy of their homes just to reach their jobs on time.
I sit across from a woman in her late 40s, dressed up in a beautifully tailored black power suit. She reads a fairy tale from a thick old book to a girl who listens while her eyes keep closing. The woman adds her own personal editorial comments when she doesn’t agree with what is going on in the traditional tale.
While this happens, the train stops and a young black woman sits next to me. As she gets comfortable, she produces a bottle of juice from a huge fabric handbag she carries. It looks like her whole life is contained in there. After drinking the juice and eating half a banana nut muffin, she finally takes out a nail clipper.
Following the rhythmic movement of the train, she begins to snap away her overgrown nails. With every click! I hear, I shrink more and more into my seat, trying to get as far from her as I can.
“So the princess had to kiss the frog. Lucky her, just one! God knows how many frogs I had to kiss!”
Click!
“But you see? You don’t have to do that. Not if you don’t want to”
Click!
“You will decide which frog, I mean, who to kiss”
Click!
“Are you even listening to me?”
Click!
I finally decide to get up and move far away when, on that last click!, one of her chopped up nails lands on my lap and she picks it up apologizing but continuing to chop away. I find a seat on the opposite end of the car. I can ride happily ever after… Or at least two more stations until I reach my destination.
∞∞∞
Riding the subway late at night has 3 main advantages:
1- It’s not crowded.
2- It’s still cheaper than a taxi.
3- You can meet an actual vampire.
It had been a late night of drinking with some buddies, and because I am too cheap to take a taxi all the way to Brooklyn, I decided to get on the F train. It was quiet. It was dark. It was 2 a.m.
The train arrives and I hop in. It is eerily empty.
The door between cars at the far end suddenly opens and a very tall, very pale and thin man comes in. I give him a nasty look because I was hoping to ride home in my own car. I wanted to just sit there and try to imagine I was cruising Europe on the Orient Express. I also put that “don’t fuck with me” face instinctively when I am that late in the subway.
As a response, he nods at me, smiling.
“Late night, eh?” He asks.
“Yeah” I nod, trying not to make too much eye contact, the #1 rule to effectively deal with subway weirdos. Never make eye contact, just as with dogs or wild animals.
He gets closer to me. The whole car is empty and now he is sitting in the same block of seats with me.
“Going back home alone?” he asks again.
“Yeah” I reply, mentally kicking myself in the ass for not using my iPod on this trip.
“Do you donate blood, my friend?” He says to me, following this comment with a sly smile.
“I have, long time ago” I figured I should follow along, not to make him mad and buy some time until I can run out of the car in the next station.
“No, no… I mean, right now.”
“What?” I ask, my cool now completely gone.
“ Yes now.” he says, as he gets closer to me. “You see, sir… I am a vampire.”
Somehow this revelation put me at ease. He wasn’t a mugger. He was just a vampire in Brooklyn.
“Are you in the mood to donate some blood tonight?” He continues.
In a stroke of inspiration, I tell him “I totally would, but you see, I have been out drinking with friends… a lot, so my blood is full of alcohol. Way over the legal limit for donations.” He looks puzzled, so I go on. “It would totally make you sick, maybe even throw up.”
He looks into the air for a while and finally replies “Oh, no. That would be a total waste then. Well, thank you, anyway. Have a pleasant evening.” He gets up and goes to the other end of the car, where he sits.
At this moment we arrive in Brooklyn. I say “sorry” and leave, thinking I should carry a clove of garlic next time I am in the subway so late.
∞∞∞
